The Closet Case (Stephenie x Ruben)

Hey, Cool Kids, and welcome back to the blog that's been more postponed than my dad leaving the line at Walmart!

Let's get into that moderately comedic shipping drama!

The Closet Case (Stephenie x Ruben, or Stuben)

Wait, so is this an actual thing? Because nobody has, like, really confirmed it.

I think this is a CANON couple? Might want a second opinion on that one, palaroonie. 

The shipping scene wasn't looking good for a long while, folks. I said to myself one fateful Sunday afternoon whilst listening to Candy Store from Heathers for about the 50th time when it dawned on me, "Well, shit, romance is really dead, ain't it?". So, that was that. But then my observant shipper's eye spotted it from the distance; a looming hope on the horizon, and perhaps an oasis in a desert. But I couldn't really tell. Because, like, it wasn't obvious.

I didn't wanna be rude. I mean, you can ship people for fun, sure. But were they really something I could go shipping around. Like, "Aight, they got the chemistry". But, also, "Aight, do they really got the chemistry?". I didn't know. But like the bold explorer I am, I took the damn picture. But I wasn't feeling it. Like, I;ve never seem them even hold hands. So it couldn't be canon. Right? Like, "Dude, I'm freakin' out here. Is this canonical? The levels of deduction I'm putting forth to solve this Sherlockian nightmare is harder than any of those dead-end IB classes I keep hearin' 'bout."

Then it hit me like a brick through a Martin Luther King's window; that was a really shitty analogy.

So then it hit me like a normal brick. Through a normal window.

The Obvious Choice (Stephenie x Cross Country Poster, or Stephester)

There we go! Now it's all coming together.

There is no way this ship can't be CANON. All those who protest to it are Starlie lovers who can't face the music.

Oof. Ain't it perfect, folks? Tell me if you've ever seen something more adorable. It's a trick question; you ain't ever seen such a thing. Doesn't she look happy? Doesn't she look happy regardless of the fact that the original photo contained that garbage boyfriend Ruben? I mean, don't get me wrong: I love the dude. May just marry him myself. But he ain't no Cross Country Poster, no mama! 

Now, folks, let us reflect just real quick; what we got here is something real good. And right before the Homecoming dance too. So, then, we gotta' ask ourselves, "Where will I be Friday night?". If you wanna hear something good, you gotta' say to yourself "How can I be more like the one and only Cross Country Poster?" or "How can I sweep that special someone off their feet like a Cross Country Poster?" or "I'll just go with a friend, which is perfectly normal". Just don't pick the latter; because your friends ain't no Cross Country Poster.

Death Is Inevitable (Rowan x The Suffocating Despair of Existence)

Hey, Cool Kids, and welcome to the blog that enables people's self wallowing!

Let's get right into the existential dread that is our finite lives in which serve little purpose in this great big universe of ours! ships!

Death Is The Only Option (Rowan x The Suffocating Despair of Existence)

As we can see, Rowan (middle) is receiving consolation from his friends.

Let me tell you all a tale; a tale in which hearkens to the weary heart and plays to the song of the hopeless. Life is a real bitch sometimes, yes, and throws all sorts of unexpected turns our way. One moment your frying up an omelette and the next your grandmother died of cancer. But stop being a pansy and listen up for a moment; because no matter how awful your life may seem, at least you aren't in a relationship with life.

Rowan (left) and his mistress, Life (right).

Life is an insufferable woman who by all means a terrible, awful person. And yet, somehow, it was as if Rowan and Life were just meant to be together. No other man has put up with life like Rowan has been. Who bought Life flowers? Rowan. Who took Life to the ER just because her stomach hurt a little? Rowan, you prick.

But yet Life never seems to appreciate Rowan's services of affection. In this ship, we see that Life only seems to take. And when she does give, it's to bestow her dreadful shower of suffering upon a poor, unsuspecting Rowan. She makes him tired. She scares away all his friends. She takes away every bit of happiness in his life until he has nothing left but the thin strip of love in which remains in his crushed, broken shrivel of a heart.

But, shit, they are perfect for one another.

Rowan (left) attempts to give a nice little kiss on the lips to Life (right), but instead receives a mouth full of tongue that is attempting to kill him by asphyxiation.

Now, you must be asking yourself, "How did poor Rowan ever come to be such a useless degenerate who let's himself live in this abusive, yet somehow perfect, relationship?"

That sad shmuck used to be the boyfriend of a beautiful girl. Sometimes, every so often, Rowan can catch a glimpse of her still from the corner of his eye. It is said that the immense sigh his heart makes at this sight would be enough to power the entire Chinese Private Sector for the next couple of eons.

Good things, it would seem, aren't meant to last. He had his heart broken into an uncountable number of small, fragile pieces. And so, when he was contemplating his situation while walking through a park one afternoon, he spotted a young woman out of the corner of his eye. He knew that now, in his time of sorrow, he would have to make do. Since then, him and his salty seductress Life have been history.

Third-Wheels #1 - Bill, and Bill Sqaured

Hey, Cool Kids, and welcome to the blog that carries out jokes longer than the Cold War!

Let's get right into the ridiculously stale shipping jokes ships.

The Third-Wheel Bill (Only a third-wheel to Bill Squared, really)

"Guys, not in public!" Bill cries with exasperation. 

We all know, hopefully, that Bill Squared is an excellent ship by now. On this blog, we take the time to really appreciate the fine art that is the shipping of people. But have we come to appreciate those unsung heroes that make these ships possible? Have we come to really recognize those who tag along, fulfill the awkward and cumbersome duties of third-wheeling?

Bill seems to feel really under appreciated for all the hard work he puts into managing this ship. He is the Batman to their Gotham, the peanut butter to their jelly, and the "Good Movie" to their Phantom Menace (that last one was a joke). But not anymore. We will finally show him off with this photo that speaks a thousand words! We will finally capture the struggle of having to make sure that Bill Squared don't make out during practice or study hall, or really just try to make sure they don't kill somebody. It's a hard job, but Bill is up to the challenge. To quote, Bill told me this one time:

"Holy shit, you need to help me Forrest. We need to send these two monsters into the pits of hell where they belong. Granted, they are me..."

He's really good with words.

The Iceberg (Starlie vs. Stephester)

Hey, Cool Kids, and welcome to the blog that has more conflict than a Youtube comments section!

Let's get into this juicy bit of shipping drama!

The Titanic (Stephenie x Charlie, or Starlie)

The young couple, Stephenie (right) and Charlie (left) look towards their future.

This is a CANON couple, but may not be for long!

Look at this lovely young couple. It's pretty adorable to look at. They get along well, and they really have a chemistry going on between them. That is when you meet them. You can't really tell that much from this photo. You know why?

Because they never touch each other.

Some sort of ancient relationship law keeps these two from engaging in any sort of contact besides the ritualistic hug. I found this whole type up inside Charlie's backpack about it. It's apparently part of some ye-old organization that both of their families have been in for thousands of years. It states things such as:

1. No touching.

2. Like, really, don't you dare think about it.

3. Get the hell away from each other.

4. Bitch, did I stutter?

It's hard to understand the message of these rules because it's hidden under a lot of metaphors and old time language, but it's basically saying that they shouldn't touch each other. But trust me on this when I say that they really make a good couple. Like, do you really need to touch each other to love each other?

The Iceberg (Stephenie x Cross Country Poster, or Stephester)

Don't cry Charlie. It's not your fault that Stephenie loves the poster more than you.

As great of a couple as Starlie is, there has been some recent drama on the shipping playing field. Shit really hit the fan when Cross Country Poster started coming to Cross Country practices. You could tell from the first time they locked gazes with one another; Stephenie (far left) and Cross Country Poster (middle, with its hands all over her) were meant for one another. And to everyone's surprise, they held hands. We were like "Stephenie, you whore, you can't just go holding people's hands!". But they did.

Sad as I am to say, this ship does seem to have a lot going for it. Just picture this; star-crossed lovers. Wait, no, Stephenie is cheating on Charlie with the poster. Uh... secret admirers? It's not really secret, though. Whatever. It's pretty great anyways. I mean, just look wat great photo opportunities come with this couple. I mean, besides Charlie stifling a tear off to the side.

The point, though, is that there are some hard roads for Starlie ahead. But I have faith in them. Charlie has kept loyal to Stephenie, even though she spends time with a poster she won't admit she is having a fling with. Keep strong, Starlie.

Shipping Trash #1

Perfection (Ann x Elias)

Hey, Cool Kids, and welcome to the blog that is the equivalent of going outside when the Internet is down.

Now, let us delve straight into this hellhole of a blog.

The Perfect Ship (Ann x Elias, or Annias)

This is a CANON couple and that is terrifying.

This ship is much like any other ship. You look at it, first glance, and say to yourself "Well, that's pretty adorable." You then dismiss this as another adorable couple and move on with your life. But then you start noticing this couple more and more. You see Elias (left) and Ann (right) together and you begin to start noticing that this is, yes, a really adorable couple. Then you start to say, "Well, they are really meant for one another. But I mean, so is Bill and Bill." Then you begin to rationalize. How can they be as great a ship as Bill and Bill? I mean, come on, he is the same exact person. But then it all flows over you, and you are overwhelmed with only one realization.

"Holy shit, Annias is the perfect ship."

Before, I was sort of joking about how perfect these ships were. Sure, Borge has it's charm and so does Leo and Luke. But they were just a nice coupling that had enough chemistry to be bonded with one another. But this is a whole other level of perfect. This is advanced perfection.

Oh, look, I found a definition for perfect on Google.

per·fec·tion

/pərˈfekSH(ə)n/

noun

1. Annias, and the shipping of the two.
   "the perfection of them is astonishing"
   • a person or thing that resembles Annias; this is impossible.
     "I am told that she is perfection itself, but I know that is wrong because Annias is perfect"

     synonyms:

     Anne and Elias, shipping Anne and Elias, Elianne, the process of being those two, being a really rad guy named Elias and a ginger girl named Ann but together, the last thing I just said, the ultimate ship, the best ship; More ways to say Annias

   • the action or process of improving something until it is faultless like Annias or as faultless as Annlias; this is impossible.
     "among the key tasks was the try and be like Annias #goals"

synonyms:

improving to be Annias, being better like Annias refinement to Annias levels of perfect, refining to Annias levels, honing your inner Annias "the perfection of her ship"

The thing is that I don't know why this is such a perfect ship. What about these two makes them so perfect? Maybe they are just perfect people. Maybe God decided to do some experimenting by putting two Jesus Juniors on Earth and having them meet up and form the perfect couple. Maybe they were created in a lab and are part of an experiment to create the perfect couple. Maybe the lizard people who run the government created it as a ruse to take away from the fact that we might actually vote for Trump as president.

All I know for sure is that my life has been incomplete up to this point.

Slay (Sarah x Michelle)

Hey, Cool Kids, and welcome to the blog that shouldn't be taking itself as seriously as it's about to.

I couldn't resist; these two are great. Without further apology, on to the ship!

The Ship That Slays (Sarah x Michelle, called "Gellar" as a witty joke)

This is a CANON couple, and that is adorable.

These two are really adorable together. Whilst sitting about in orchestra class, one can glance over and see these two together, being perfect. That's the kind of couple they are; one that makes their love immediately apparent.

Now, I don't know an awful lot about them, since I only ever have the one class with them. But here is what I have noticed so far. See, Michelle (right) is holding her cello. Sarah (left) plays the violin. After class, they like to play together and they are awfully good at it. I think this duo, though, is meant to be some sort of representation of who they are. They are a duo. They, like the bass clef and the treble clef, come together to form a single, harmonious piece that makes something really beautiful.

That is, at least I hope that's the way it is. Because I think that they make a cute couple, and that's why I have come to call this a ship of mine. Canon, even.