The Closet Case (Stephenie x Ruben)

Hey, Cool Kids, and welcome back to the blog that's been more postponed than my dad leaving the line at Walmart!

Let's get into that moderately comedic shipping drama!

The Closet Case (Stephenie x Ruben, or Stuben)

Wait, so is this an actual thing? Because nobody has, like, really confirmed it.

I think this is a CANON couple? Might want a second opinion on that one, palaroonie. 

The shipping scene wasn't looking good for a long while, folks. I said to myself one fateful Sunday afternoon whilst listening to Candy Store from Heathers for about the 50th time when it dawned on me, "Well, shit, romance is really dead, ain't it?". So, that was that. But then my observant shipper's eye spotted it from the distance; a looming hope on the horizon, and perhaps an oasis in a desert. But I couldn't really tell. Because, like, it wasn't obvious.

I didn't wanna be rude. I mean, you can ship people for fun, sure. But were they really something I could go shipping around. Like, "Aight, they got the chemistry". But, also, "Aight, do they really got the chemistry?". I didn't know. But like the bold explorer I am, I took the damn picture. But I wasn't feeling it. Like, I;ve never seem them even hold hands. So it couldn't be canon. Right? Like, "Dude, I'm freakin' out here. Is this canonical? The levels of deduction I'm putting forth to solve this Sherlockian nightmare is harder than any of those dead-end IB classes I keep hearin' 'bout."

Then it hit me like a brick through a Martin Luther King's window; that was a really shitty analogy.

So then it hit me like a normal brick. Through a normal window.

The Obvious Choice (Stephenie x Cross Country Poster, or Stephester)

There we go! Now it's all coming together.

There is no way this ship can't be CANON. All those who protest to it are Starlie lovers who can't face the music.

Oof. Ain't it perfect, folks? Tell me if you've ever seen something more adorable. It's a trick question; you ain't ever seen such a thing. Doesn't she look happy? Doesn't she look happy regardless of the fact that the original photo contained that garbage boyfriend Ruben? I mean, don't get me wrong: I love the dude. May just marry him myself. But he ain't no Cross Country Poster, no mama! 

Now, folks, let us reflect just real quick; what we got here is something real good. And right before the Homecoming dance too. So, then, we gotta' ask ourselves, "Where will I be Friday night?". If you wanna hear something good, you gotta' say to yourself "How can I be more like the one and only Cross Country Poster?" or "How can I sweep that special someone off their feet like a Cross Country Poster?" or "I'll just go with a friend, which is perfectly normal". Just don't pick the latter; because your friends ain't no Cross Country Poster.

Death Is Inevitable (Rowan x The Suffocating Despair of Existence)

Hey, Cool Kids, and welcome to the blog that enables people's self wallowing!

Let's get right into the existential dread that is our finite lives in which serve little purpose in this great big universe of ours! ships!

Death Is The Only Option (Rowan x The Suffocating Despair of Existence)

As we can see, Rowan (middle) is receiving consolation from his friends.

Let me tell you all a tale; a tale in which hearkens to the weary heart and plays to the song of the hopeless. Life is a real bitch sometimes, yes, and throws all sorts of unexpected turns our way. One moment your frying up an omelette and the next your grandmother died of cancer. But stop being a pansy and listen up for a moment; because no matter how awful your life may seem, at least you aren't in a relationship with life.

Rowan (left) and his mistress, Life (right).

Life is an insufferable woman who by all means a terrible, awful person. And yet, somehow, it was as if Rowan and Life were just meant to be together. No other man has put up with life like Rowan has been. Who bought Life flowers? Rowan. Who took Life to the ER just because her stomach hurt a little? Rowan, you prick.

But yet Life never seems to appreciate Rowan's services of affection. In this ship, we see that Life only seems to take. And when she does give, it's to bestow her dreadful shower of suffering upon a poor, unsuspecting Rowan. She makes him tired. She scares away all his friends. She takes away every bit of happiness in his life until he has nothing left but the thin strip of love in which remains in his crushed, broken shrivel of a heart.

But, shit, they are perfect for one another.

Rowan (left) attempts to give a nice little kiss on the lips to Life (right), but instead receives a mouth full of tongue that is attempting to kill him by asphyxiation.

Now, you must be asking yourself, "How did poor Rowan ever come to be such a useless degenerate who let's himself live in this abusive, yet somehow perfect, relationship?"

That sad shmuck used to be the boyfriend of a beautiful girl. Sometimes, every so often, Rowan can catch a glimpse of her still from the corner of his eye. It is said that the immense sigh his heart makes at this sight would be enough to power the entire Chinese Private Sector for the next couple of eons.

Good things, it would seem, aren't meant to last. He had his heart broken into an uncountable number of small, fragile pieces. And so, when he was contemplating his situation while walking through a park one afternoon, he spotted a young woman out of the corner of his eye. He knew that now, in his time of sorrow, he would have to make do. Since then, him and his salty seductress Life have been history.